Never Coming Back
In my dream I swam in some orange pyjamas. I swam like lightning and suddenly I couldn't see, everything was too bright. And then silence happened for a solid 5 seconds and boom. It was so loud I heard thunder and then I dropped. I fell down this hole and never came up again.
You need to make your story longer. You need to make the 5 turn into the word five.
ReplyDeleteYou story is a little short. I think you should add more discription on where you are swimming and why you are swimming there. Also your story is a little confusing. You should make your story more smooth instead of it looking like your trying to fit those words in. Otherwise great story!
ReplyDeleteGood start but your story only has 54 words I think you might want to make it bit longer because the minimum is 75 words. Your story in some parts confusing to me you might want to add commas or fix it another way. I think you might want to add more descriptive language. Otherwise it's good start.
ReplyDeleteYou need to make your story at least 75 words and you need to make the 5 into the word five. You should also include more descriptive words. I agree with Rihanna on trying to make your story smooth instead of trying to fit the words into your story. I don't really understand why you were swimming in your dream so make sure to explain that. Creative story though.
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ReplyDeleteGood story. Only it was a little short. It did get a little confusing that he fell in a hole. Maybe you want to say why their was a hole their, or even take it out of your story. Remember to read your story out loud to catch mistakes.
ReplyDeleteIt a little short at 54 words and I think you could add more descriptive
ReplyDeleteI agree with Nick its short and after "so loud" you should have a comma
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