Zooming through through the sky exclaimed the crack of doom. Making sure all the old people are safe. I heard an olde person scream, i swerved down to see what's up. She said her teeth fell out into the road. I was horrified and in laughter. I was pretending I was playing the game crossy road and try not to get hit by the cars. unfortunately i got hit, and then i woke up in the hospital. they asked me
what happened? I said I tried to save a old ladies fake teeth and we all started to laugh.
Your story is really creative and funny. Make sure to start a new line when someone speaks. make sure to capitalize your 'I' 's. When you say you were pretending to play the game crossy roads, switch the 'I' to a 'to' it makes it flow better. Also, try to add more descriptive words and stronger words to make your story sound better.
ReplyDeleteYou have a creative Idea. You really need to read yours out loud and catch grammar mistakes, like on the first line there is 2 thoughs. Also, when someone is speaking there is a new line.
ReplyDeleteI really really like your story Roman soldier! I do think you need to go back and look at the way you set up your paragraph. Your missing capitals and near the begging it doesn't quite make sense. Be sure to read out loud!
ReplyDeleteYour first sentence is confusing, and you put through twice. You have some grammer mistakes and you spelt old wrong. You should know that you need to capitalize your I's and there are a lot of other mistakes you should be able to fix. I think you might be able to create a unique and creative story if you put the effort in.
ReplyDeleteYou have a very funny and creative idea for your story this week. Be sure to use the feedback from your peers to help improve upon your writing.Capital "I's" are really important. The first line is confusing with the crack of doom. I am not sure how it fits into the rest of the story. This is Showcase worthy if you spent the time editing and revising. I look forward to your next creative piece of writing.
ReplyDelete