Wednesday 27 April 2016

My mom brought me and my friends to the park to play hide and seek. My friend was it and I didn't know where to hide. I saw this garbage can and I went in it and was hiding. I heard this loud noise and felt I felt like I was moving. I looked out the hole and saw a garbage truck.I was stuck in their for 4 hours and haven't seen my mom since.
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6 comments:

  1. Bob27 April 2016 at 18:39

    Your story is good the only think you can do is you have to many I's in your story you might want to use some descriptive language.

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  2. Batman28 April 2016 at 09:19

    Good story. I liked it but it was a little choppy. A suggestion is that you should add more commas, also maybe change some of your sentences to different lengths. At the very end there should be a space after the period. Your story is creative but you should read it out loud to catch any mistakes.

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  3. Anonymous28 April 2016 at 09:22

    I agree with Bob. Find some descriptive words other than 'I'.
    Also it says "felt I felt like" which doesn't make sense. Also in the first sentence it says "My mom brought me and my friends" put "My mom brought my friends and I" it makes more sense and that is how its supposed to be.
    Overall good job. :) -Eden

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  4. Unknown28 April 2016 at 09:30

    Your story is very one of a kind, It made me laugh. I could see the picure of the boys face in my head poking his head out the whole. I think in the beggining you shoukld talk more about your friends and what is happening.

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  5. Unknown28 April 2016 at 16:58

    Good story. I liked it but there are somethings that you could work on. Like more descriptive language so that the reader could picture what is happening. Also, it says "felt I felt like" so make sure to fix that because it doesn't make sense. Another thing you could do is instead of saying you didn't know where to hide is describe where you are and then say that you hid in the garbage can. I liked the ending where you said that you saw a garbage truck, it was funny. Overall, very creative story.

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  6. Negative Zero28 April 2016 at 22:37

    Maybe you could start off your sentence with a stronger beginning. I also noticed that you used I's many times so I think you should use it less. I think your story was well written and good job to your story.

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